Congratulations are in Order!

 I often get anxious thoughts unable to sleep, what if something goes wrong, what if I’m fired again, what if one day my husband find me irritable and decides to leave?

He has said on multiple occasions that he will not.

But today I want to congratulate myself for coming so far.

For being that bullied girl, for being the person most wrote off, for being that girl who took everything a little too seriously, for that girl who was fired unceremoniously, for that girl who was reminded of her class when she tried to rise up.

Look where have we come today 😁 Congratulations girl, you did it, you have an awesome husband who adores you even on your worst days, you have a high paying job, your managers loved you so much that they cried on your last day and your parents have finally come around.

Life is so green and full of opportunities. You can now take flights on your own whim and it really doesn’t matter any more :)

You did all that you wished for and even more.

So instead of over thinking that why can’t I become my past happy go lucky self maybe take a moment and appreciate that even with crippling anxiety and migraines and tackling unknowns more than ever, you are still standing tall.

🤘🏽🤘🏽🤘🏽🤘🏽🤘🏽

New Opportunity- First World Dilemma

 I have so many things to write about, but lets focus on my latest first world problem.

I got a *nice* job offer, which bumps my salary by 40% which is what it should have always been. But also with the sad realization that to accept it I will have to quit my current org. 

I have yet to work in a company which has accepted me as whole heartedly as where I am now. I am appreciated but also undervalued. I have done this before, and been much before.

Seldom have I worked in an environment when colleagues are motivated by the work and not by the fear of year end appraisals.

Inspite of a very negative effect of being laid off last year, I had found a new professional home here. 

Life however, is about growth….Yet my heart can’t help but wander that, I wish sometimes I could just stay.

It took me a long time

 I’m 35 , soon turning 36.

Today I am proud of myself. Finally. 

But it took me so many years to get to this state of mind.

I wish I had realised this earlier, that self worth does not come from how many achievements you make, or how nice you’re to people or how good you look. It comes from a sense of accepting oneself for what you are. 

I kept on showering kindness on others (some deserving and some not so much) but could not find it went I looked inwards. For myself the standards would always get higher and even on achieving them, a nagging thought would always say but they will always choose the more beautiful one, they don’t like you because you achieved it. 

There are a lot of straight thinking human beings who won’t identify with this everyday mental struggle.

But today out of everything I’m proud to have put an end to this inner struggle of decades. 

Yes I have a crooked smile and a pockmarked face. Yes I’m again somewhere very new trying to learn something from the scratch .  Yes I make mistakes everyday. 

So what ! But now I don’t speak negatively to myself, I don’t put down myself and certainly don’t feel the need to be someone else. 

The realisation that I’m at my best when I’m not trying at all is amazing. So here’s to being my comfortable best. 

It is worth the wait

 S is sitting across me, working diligently, wearing his spectacles, which he needs 'all the time'.

I am sitting on a desk across him, working on my job applications and steal a glance to look at him.

We're listening to some calm theatrical music while it rains outside.

The calmness with which love hit me now dawns upon me. I was restlessly searching for it, reading all those books and articles, in all those dating sites and trying to be my best.

But when I found him, I was not at my best, I was unemployed, not in my best shape and certainly not looking for love anymore. Because after all my kind of love was non-existent. I never dreamt of big proposals or heroic deeds. I just wanted someone to care for and who loved me for what I am. But alas! the world taught me over and over simplicity and just love perhaps are not enough.

But I stand corrected. However, preachy it sounds, however delusional, love too is seeking for you. And perhaps all we did have to do is wait but not watch, not keep a lookout and go in our daily lives as we were. 

Because as we are is what really attracts the one who is meant for you.

The search for love in places where it was not to be found made me so delusional that even now I hope not to jinx what I have finally found. A small voice tells me , I wont :)

But you know what makes me love him again and again, that he so selflessly makes me want to the best version of myself, but also just accepting me,  while goofing around, while eating those ice creams after dinner, while planning our dinners and lunches, while always and always asking me to give him a head massage and always making me feel enough.

And while he sits across, from me, with his focus face on, planning and writing down notes for his work tomorrow. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, It is definitely worth the wait. 

A photo from our 2nd date :)

When you cried

 I am helpless, I am not enough

When you cried, I wish I could take a time machine back and make it right for you

In your tears, I could see all the children who have been hurt, and the world is not fair

So when I touched your tears, the pain became real

 I felt like a voyeur when you gave me a sneak peek into what you have been hiding

A part of me wishes I didn't know this,  A part of me knows that is selfish

A part of me knows I shouldn't think about it, A part of me just wants to be there for you

I wish I could fly back, embrace that baby, kiss your pain away 

"No cherie, it will be all right"

A part of me wishes I could cross these societal boundaries and just do that,

An empath they call me, but I'm just a selfish person venting out on this blog

While there are people out there who actually suffering through it

I am helpless, I am not enough

They say it brings you closer when you understand their pain and suffering 

They say he trusts you, I say he was vulnerable , and I was just there

And you my reader, tell me how should I let it go, the distress doesn't leave me, it doesn't go away

Maybe I read more, learn more about how to absorb pain,  exhale it and then be as excited for the new day.

I am helpless, I am not enough, but I like it when you smile, that inspite of everything you can.

What is ?

The storms were there for a reason , 

What is calm if not you

The clouds thundered for a reason,
What are raindrops if not you

The continents are separated for a reason ,
What is distance when its with you

Words were thought of for a reason ,
But what are my thoughts if not you

My oceans were searching for a land,
What is a shore if not you

All the battles were within me ,
What is peace if not you.

Calm , Raindrops , Distance , Shore , Peace
They were all in me,
But you helped me reach them.

The secret art of cooking Chowmein

If you have grown up in an Indian household ,
chances are there that you know what Maggi means .

My mother being the seemingly "strict" woman she was,
read up on the bad affects that Maggi masala can have on a child's mental
growth and forbade its purchase into our house.

Though most of the times , I wonder if her strict-ness was just a relative term.
After all , strictness is valid only when the other person takes it seriously.

I , therefore did not like Maggi.
For me it was a mass of yellow lump which some classmates
 would bring in their tiffins.
The whole brouhaha about chasing a hapless kid with Maggi in his box
would only seem silly to me.

Later in life, I did meet a lot of people for whom life seemed to be incomplete without it.

I tried to adjust , I really did .

And then came a time , when I met a roommate who was my namesake .
She came up to me with a novel idea called as "Fried Maggi".

What she cooked that day , was what I had known as Chowmein all my life !

It was apparently her father who used to do his own version of Maggi and she copied it
and now I try my best to reproduce it.

Couple of years down the line , I had almost mastered the art of making Maggi , but chowmein ?
 Not so much.
I tossed and fried the veggies and juliennes of more veggies together before adding the boiled
theories of string and then black & red mixture of various sauces followed.

Namak , swad anusar !

On one such evening as tonight , we went out for dinner .
Found this nice restaurant which had many a reviews on Yelp (Unfortunately , neither I nor my
friends remember its name anymore) .
Which is where , the noodles / Chowmein had cheese in it.

Unlike , PO's father , my secret ingredient is actually an ingredient .

The cheese mixed with olive oil not only enhanced the flavor but made it delectable.

The next time I tried my version of the "Chowmein" , once boiled, I added some shredded cheese to it ..
The cheese soaked in,  while my carrots , beans and shallots sizzled .
Much like salt, it added the necessary "saltiness" . Coupled with pepper it seems to be the best !

After years and years of trying, the secret ingredient was what I've loved and
had since my childhood.

Makes you smile , does'nt it ?

Deja Vu

Is it you again ?
You who I fall for each time 
My idea of love , you rear your head 
Like a dragon sleeping for a long time
Like a flower blooming once in a year

Like the moon which turns blue once in a while,
You remind me yet again ,
How sparkling your eyes are ,
How infectious your laughter is,
The way my lips align when I smile at you, 
to make me feel beautiful once more

Like a disillusioned hypocrite , the heart fools the mind again
They call it deja vu 

With rose colored glasses I view the world ,
With a rosé addiction I feel the air
With a sweet affliction I breath in the air 

You make the romantic in me come alive , 
Unafraid that yet again it might be doused

Words become more meaningful than they should ,

The one who makes me think that how can two souls be so similar
I am smarter this time around , I understand tis' affliction of mine 
And I know that like every time , this time too we must depart

To meet again , once more ...

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there." ~ Rumi

Carpe Diem !!!

Do you know what Carpe Diem means ?

I knew at some time , and then chose to forget it like all the mundane words which I hide in some
cobwebby corner of my mind .

Carpe Diem !! is an exclamation used to urge someone to make the most of the present time .

To live in the moment is to be what we are .

All the cells , molecules and every step of our lives have conspired to put us right where we are .

To not sieze this well  thought after moment would be foolishness .

And yet , day after day we choose to forgo it .

Many years ago, one of my friend's google talk status read " I take a new birth with every breath I take".

I had thought "Oh! how energetic of him" and also what happens to his past births then ?

psst : I am notorious in confusing berth and birth , which has resulted in many a funny conversations .

What if we were all butterflies and had just one day to live .  What is the one thing we would do ?

I for one would love and shout at everyone at once . 

I have this fear that I have never been able to express to near ones how much I actually love them . 

Under all the well practiced pretense of "I can let go very easily" , lies the memory which is suddenly evoked after many years . 

When people leave us , they often leave happy memories behind . 

I"ll always remember her smell and not her dying breath when I remember my granny .

I"ll always remember her baby steps and not her dying flesh when I remember my dog .

I"ll always remember the fun when climbing trees and not the trouble when caught cheating with friends.

I"ll always remember her smiling welcoming face and not the spat we had when I left my best friend .

I"ll always remember the para gliding and not the tears when we vacationed to Goa .

I"ll always remember us talking  about our favorite books and not the mean words we said to each other  .

I"ll always remember how I missed my father when he was gone and not the scoldings when I would misplace things.

I"ll always remember the laughter and not the tears .

Carpe Diem , my friend , sieze the happiness in you and keep it in you . 

Sadness ought not to be yours . You have to find your happiness in what fate has assigned you to.

What would you do if there was No Tomorrow ? What would you really really really do ?

Take the shortest flight back to India

Eat the food you really want to

Profess love to the one that got away

Hug the person nearest to you

Write a long ass apology letter

Actually & Really Love yourself .

Take a pick my friend , the moment is yours to seize !!!

Unworthy

Unworthy is probably what my cousin thought he was before he tightened the noose around his neck.

A staunch advocate of fairness , I would immediately discard any view that the youngest child is the most loved .
My parents themselves instilled this in me , though sometimes I would think my brother did receive more affection thanks to an illness , not terminal.

It is now, that I realize people like him more because of his nature .
He analyses less , talks normally to most and when angry does not respond.

I am far less developed , letting the heat in my head guide me many times .
 The prospects of the future are also bigger in my head , whereas my brother is quite steadfast .
On the outlier it might appear that he did not plan anything , but both of us are fairly where we wanted to be , planned or unplanned.

I have a lot of cousins , but not in touch with most. Moving from one place to another , our nuclear family was all that we had .  We would've been friends with our cousins , but mostly our ideologies did not match.
We were brought up in different worlds , our conversations would be about Dexter's Labratory and Backstreet boys and theres would be something different . I am sure they were thinking the same about us :)
In these times , it was always "us" against or Vs them .

And then there was this other set of cousins . Just like us , not living with the rest of the brethren .
They were easier to relate to , spoke a similar language, had similar mannerisms.

Among this set was my youngest cousin . Who, younger than my brother , was obviously always a baby for me . All my notions of fairness would go kaput when I would think of these babies .
One near to me , the other far .

Its been a year since the youngest cousin passed away.

All I could think of that time was maybe I could not show him all the love .
That he thought that we were unworthy of his presence here .
If only he had someone to talk to , I would not be writing this post.
In his death , I feel the rejection which he might've felt when deciding on it.

It's been a year since he has moved on , and all I can think is that how many times I have let go of people without making them feel their worth.

Death is a surprise when it is not expected and some deaths teach us how unworthy we are all for not treasuring each other.

9 Questions - Tag

It's been a really long time since I did a tag .
This is not a tag per say but today seems the perfect balmy day to dive into something like this.

Taken from storypick's http://www.storypick.com/life-changing-questions/

1. If we didn’t work to earn money, what would I be doing?

I would probably sing , to my heart's content . 

I know there are far better singers and the likes around , but I like it when I sing and others who I reveal this to , like it too :)

2. What would I say in my own eulogy?

Here lies Amrita , she  cooked and burned ,she searched and lost , she  lived & loved.

3. Where do I see myself in 10 years?

Here is where I digress from the writer of this article . As if getting married with kids cannot be someone's dream.

Though a staunch believer of "do not utter your dreams lest someone steals them" , 

I do envisage a giggling baby when I dream of the future .

4. Do I receive more than I give, or give more than I receive?

Professionally = give more than I receive . always.

Personally = I guess I am a little wary of giving more, lest the person feels suffocated and the fear of being rebuked .

I am trying to change it .

5. What is the one thing I can do better than others?

I clean good :D I make jokes better .

And maybe, just maybe, I make Indian sweets better :)

6. Whom do I want to be like?

The secret answer to that is my Mom , I have always thought of her as my very own celebrity. although ever since teen-age I've been trying my best to be different.

I also want to be like two of my best friends , they seem to be always effortlessly happy .

& my dog , to give so much of love without wanting anything in return.

7. What have I done for which I’ll be remembered after I am gone?

For visiting friends, for being there .

8. Who are the ones who make me happy?

Puppy makes me happy .

Jokes aside only we can make ourselves happy, which is very difficult to follow.

Seeing the people I love after a long time makes me happy . Happy people make me happy .

People who waste time in scrutinising others are the biggest downer.

9. Do people miss me if I’m not present in a gathering?

I have a nudging feeling that they do not , but I can only wish that they do .

What am I saying ? They sure do even if they don't express it very often , but most often do :)

On introspection I might have become more negative about certain things and care lesser about others .

Would you do the above tag ?

Love thy Password !!

It is only recently that I changed all my passwords .
Old habits die hard , and sometimes whenever a new site asks for a new password, my fingers type down the one word which they have been so familiar with

A friend's password is his girl's name appended with the word "wife".
A hope for a future in the mundane every day usage.

For most of the time it seems to be something right off the top of our mind,
the funny thing is that people usually take a password which is the first thing they can think of,
or rather something which is on their mind (&heart).

For a long time now , my password had been my favourite blog .
To think of it now , perhaps the writer was my favourite person too .

 I wish I had associated it with a thing , a book a la J.R.R Tolkein , an orchid ,
 but I associated it with a person.

Things are easy to forget but people are not .
Somewhere around the corner a reminder might just be lurking .
A password is one such  reminder which you choose yourself.

But one fine day , just like the blog closed , the person lost touch too.
It felt bad at first ,worse to go back and forth .
As the years piled up , the rehashing of memories became easier to do .
Life is like an airplane , from the inside it seems to be static
while actually it moves faster than what we can imagine.

And isn't that what we call the art of moving on .
We might care about someone now ,
but five years down the line and without any touch they just become faint memories.

So how many times have you changed your password ?

Or are you one of the lucky few who hasn't lost touch with their favourite word / thing / password?

Or how long till we hold on to some memories before letting it all go .

And one day , long  in the future ,
when I am thinking of nothing in particular, I will maybe, let those memories return to me , and put the same password somewhere else.

Till Then .. Adios.

When Friends turn Foe

In girl world , all girls are cool ,
they play what they want
they are geeks
they are witty
they are hard working
they believe in earning their own money
they watch cool tv shows
they wear cool stuff
they take pride in saying we don't need no man

And then everything changes when they get married
Its all hunky dory for some time
The above 8 lines still hold true , for some time ,
And then they start judging

If they are 25 , they start judging girls who are 26
If they are 26, they start judging girls who are 27
If they are 27 , they start judging girls who are 28
If they are 28, they start judging girls who are 29

And woe begone the day you turn 30 .
You might look younger than the fat testosterone and oestrogen loaded school going kids,
Ain't nobody got time for that!

Their feminism takes a new turn , a turn where they point fingers  at you
For not doing "right" by them
And that's when you know your friends have turned into your foes

If you have a few left who have not turned foes yet , 

then remember this :-

"It's really liberating to say no to sh*t you hate." - Lena Dunham

The Girl at the Desk- Silver Linings

It had been five years that life had slowly passed by me as I worked in the same company , the same floor and the same project .

I had become the spider queen who had spun her web round and around the same desk .

The festivals , the appraisals , the competitions, the coffees , the politics , everything repeated over the years. And so did I.

When things like this happen , we often tend to give up , settle with what we have and loose hope bit by bit.

Its a test of your optimism where a constant feeling gnaws away saying
that just like others this too wont work out and this too shall pass. "You should not have hoped at all"

We often like to think , that things will turn brighter one day ,
 that one day by some miracle we will get what we think we have always deserved,
that one day life will change.

I do not have the heart to be as deluded as I once was and shout
"Yes , it's possible , you will get your shiny horse and will ride away to the sunset" ,
but I am also a realist hanging on the tenterhooks of optimism so I"ll say yes it's possible .

When returning from office today ,with the sun shining in all its glory on me ,

 I realised that its been three months that I have changed countries,
that I will probably not have to see that same desk for a long time now ,
that those same sickening and tiring words and people wont be seen now.
And that while moving away , I have left a certain part of me behind.

That part of me , the girl on the desk is still there ,
 she knows her wait is almost there ,
but some part of her still doesn't want to let go of it .

The other part is here . This is the present and the now.

How do you scale up - New Experience in Old Bottle

This is about something which I had an equal part in developing ,
through some years, and yet when today people speak of it ,
they remember the one who started it.

Has it been that you idolized someone and then they revealed that they are humans too.

There are some people who we believe are right even when they do wrong.

I believed someone would always teach me the right from wrong.

And I have learnt a lot from the said person.

The second person is a friend from long time back .

These are the people who shape what your thought process will be like.

They say something with such conviction, that  you want to be what they want the world to be like.

You can also use the word "gullible" for me.

When people say ,what you believe is right , it's hard not to believe in them.

Somewhere down the line you grow up, and realize they are also mere mortals.

We hear their names again , even if they are not a big part of our lives anymore, it rings a bell , but not without the pungent feeling that the person is not the great big human you thought of them to be.

The more learned people will say , these are just a part of live's many experiences.

Yes , I believe I have had my fair share .

I might not be deluded anymore , but I can't help but miss the naiveness of those times.

I've stopped searching for heroes in others ,
I stopped looking from answers from God a log time back too.
Not because I am dismal but because both God and Heroes have more important things
than being heroic.


"Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?" - Adele

Cold Feet

Recently I had been very sick.
So sick that I could not move out of my bed.
So sick that even though I was dying of thirst I could not bring myself to get some water.
That's when I took pity on myself and called my mother.
She literally flew down to my place , cared for me and took me home.


This from a woman whom I had assumed long time back would not take a leave for a mere sickness. I guess actions speak louder than words.


What has just struck me is there might come a day when she or my father wont be there to take care of me. And I would be at a complete loss . I would probably lay dying of thirst.

The thought scared me .
I had always thought that I would be brave when it came to loosing some near one.
But in my selfishness I am not brave.

I am crying now thinking that how alone and bereft I would be left one day.
How much I would miss them , the feeling of not having to worry about yourself would be completely lost.

 I was lying down and yet it felt as if my feet would not feel anything for a long time now, they had turned quite cold.

That Dance - A Christmas Wish

One of my childhood fantasies has always been being asked out to dance.

Boring relatives , lively music , Hollywood proms, vacuous feelings,imagination all made me think that how nice it would be, if after all the eating &talking when I would be left to my own means , someone would just ask me to dance .

We would do something silly and probably laugh a lot , but yet the dance would be a dance.
Some means of incorporating spirit in an otherwise boring night.

 Reality is a tough place for romantics and like every cute imagination, this never came true.

So there I was last Saturday , in a party again, asked by my parents to join them, getting bored as usual and reminiscing about how wishful my thinking was .

The music was good ,there was a dance floor with people shaking a leg or two .

In the melange of so many people teeming with Christmas revelry, there was a boy looking at the dance floor with a faraway glance .
I smiled at him , thinking  that here is a kid who's probably having the same dreams as I used to some years back.

The only thing amiss was that he had crutches.

We both wanted the same thing at the same age , but his was probably a hundred times more than mine,

He sat down on a chair , still looking at the dancing crowd.
I followed his gaze into the crowd, and when I looked back , he was going away, into the crowd.

I hope that someday, he won't have to do with just looking at the crowd.

Eye Mask

I feel like writing about many things ... But each of which would be limited to a para....
so here comes a series of short blogs .

Has it ever happened to you , that you buy something seemingly innocuous and it ends up being the best purchase ever?

I have been using this eyemask for the last month and a half and am completely besotted with it!
An eye mask is a black patch like thing used to cover up your eyes against harsh lights.

For someone who has to travel frequently by train and gets little sleep due to forgetful, read inconsiderate co passengers, this invention is a boon.
Earlier I used to get irritated and would sometimes scowl when people would leave the door ajar or light on ,but now dude its like I don't even care ... Let there be darkness and my eye mask is to the rescue! :D

A confession , I love this silky thing so much that I have used it sometimes for a weekend afternoon nap as well .... Oh the feeling of siesta totally sinks in with this one .

Another added advantage is that it totally stops those small hair thingiesfrom flying into your face ...

So, those of you who are thinking what a silly post ... Dude first try then read it again
.. Waise bhi main awai kisi cheez ke bare me rave nahi karti ;)

Happy sleeping fellas ;)

Beyond...

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
 and rightdoing, there is a field.
 I will meet you there." - Rumi

Left - Found

Though the rest of the movie Finding Fanny was a quixotic take on life (nothing is what it seems), the only thing which I shall remember it is Dimple's expression when she sees her painting.

It correctly encompasses how one feels on being left.
It is the feeling which one gets when  one has hoped and heaped her hopes on someone only to know that once the use has been finished with, there won't be any use of her.

She knew how it feels to love and then be left
and she understood it once again .. this time it took her lesser time to understand.

If I knew of one word which would describe this feeling which all of us have felt at some point or the other I would use it ... and then forget it .