It took me a long time

 I’m 35 , soon turning 36.

Today I am proud of myself. Finally. 

But it took me so many years to get to this state of mind.

I wish I had realised this earlier, that self worth does not come from how many achievements you make, or how nice you’re to people or how good you look. It comes from a sense of accepting oneself for what you are. 

I kept on showering kindness on others (some deserving and some not so much) but could not find it went I looked inwards. For myself the standards would always get higher and even on achieving them, a nagging thought would always say but they will always choose the more beautiful one, they don’t like you because you achieved it. 

There are a lot of straight thinking human beings who won’t identify with this everyday mental struggle.

But today out of everything I’m proud to have put an end to this inner struggle of decades. 

Yes I have a crooked smile and a pockmarked face. Yes I’m again somewhere very new trying to learn something from the scratch .  Yes I make mistakes everyday. 

So what ! But now I don’t speak negatively to myself, I don’t put down myself and certainly don’t feel the need to be someone else. 

The realisation that I’m at my best when I’m not trying at all is amazing. So here’s to being my comfortable best. 

It is worth the wait

 S is sitting across me, working diligently, wearing his spectacles, which he needs 'all the time'.

I am sitting on a desk across him, working on my job applications and steal a glance to look at him.

We're listening to some calm theatrical music while it rains outside.

The calmness with which love hit me now dawns upon me. I was restlessly searching for it, reading all those books and articles, in all those dating sites and trying to be my best.

But when I found him, I was not at my best, I was unemployed, not in my best shape and certainly not looking for love anymore. Because after all my kind of love was non-existent. I never dreamt of big proposals or heroic deeds. I just wanted someone to care for and who loved me for what I am. But alas! the world taught me over and over simplicity and just love perhaps are not enough.

But I stand corrected. However, preachy it sounds, however delusional, love too is seeking for you. And perhaps all we did have to do is wait but not watch, not keep a lookout and go in our daily lives as we were. 

Because as we are is what really attracts the one who is meant for you.

The search for love in places where it was not to be found made me so delusional that even now I hope not to jinx what I have finally found. A small voice tells me , I wont :)

But you know what makes me love him again and again, that he so selflessly makes me want to the best version of myself, but also just accepting me,  while goofing around, while eating those ice creams after dinner, while planning our dinners and lunches, while always and always asking me to give him a head massage and always making me feel enough.

And while he sits across, from me, with his focus face on, planning and writing down notes for his work tomorrow. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, It is definitely worth the wait. 

A photo from our 2nd date :)