Lost in the way

Today's blog is about all the things which I was very sure about .

When I was a kid , I was very sure about what I wanted
The answer was simple, I wanted to be rich.

I did  not just want to stare at the pretty pink frocks , but really be able to buy them.
I wanted to taste those three tiered cakes for real.
I wanted to buy the whole box of Camlin crayons .

Something told me that it would be frivolous to want such wants from my parents.
So I used to store these little wants in my head for future use.

Yes I still remember the shop which used to sell those three tiered cakes.

Someone along the way put it into my head that being a good student enables you to be rich and since I was already more intelligent than others of my class , I was quite sure that those dreams would be achievable.

I did toil hard , I did not care about some of the things which other children did .
But I loved my friends too, it pained me to see them separated from me each time.

Then I had a crush and thought maybe this time I could let go of my surety .
So I answered some questions with the wrong answers so that the kid I liked would score more than me.
I thought its all right.

As I grew up, and the kids of my class started turning up to be more intelligent than me , my wants also waned. I could do with a smaller set of crayons, frocks did not matter any more and after all I was doing it all for friendship.

Someone once called me deluded.
They were right in doing so.

I was deluded into believing that I was better than the other kids .
Then I deludedly thought that my failures were somehow precious stones in the crown of friendship.
Scratch the last line .. it seems so immature.

The surety has somehow gone and replaced with a bag full of air (read hope)

I am not sad or low , but there are a few times when I take a long hard look at what my life has shaped up as .. from an outer perspective.

Lost I am for sure but I still remember the three tiered cake and the glass wall in between.

Rattled

I am rattled today and I can contain it no more.
There is the good , the bad and the ugly but there needs to be some outlet.

If there is no outlet then all of it pents up and will burst open.

So here I write and write away my feelings .

I feel a hatred and an anger for things which rattle me.

Every time I hear someone saying "hairs" , its like nails screeching on a chalkboard, I am no grammer nazi but when did people learn to say "HAIRS" , its collective HAIR

Bollywood is not what it used to be, people just make all sorts of movies which give no joy .

I don't know how people ease into it , but I hate the caste system ,  I hate the stupid beliefs ,  I hate that people think that veg food is pious and non veg is not. I think it is their brain which is a vegetable.
I believe in God and respect him for making everything around us & us , but I do not for even one second believe that he made any other rule than being a good human being. I even hate the word "caste" I hate the word hindu , I hate the word muslim I hate all such words I hate the word brahmin I hate the word shudra .

I hate it when some guy with an IQ below average can ping me with a "Hey hot girl" and think he can act fresh !
I hate it when such guys think that flirting is an OK thing to do . (does anyone in this world actually even want a proper relationship)

I hate it when people say "wo studious type ki hai , use pyar me interest nahi hoga" why ? do only dumbos have the right to love ? :-/

The knowledge that however hard I work , I wont be held in same esteem by my seniors as their favorites ,disgusts me.

I hate it so much when people assume that people from "bigger" places are chalu. Place badha ya chota nahi hota , dil hota hai. In fact , I hate even using the words "big town small town".


I hate it when people judge without testing or themselves experiencing the same.

I hate it that I still have to converse with some of my crushes , I hate knowing that they ran after "beauty" and did not accept me. Yes , I did not understand that before , but now I know.

I hate the fact that I am not as good as I wanted to be in my job.

And I hate the fact that even though I have been bestowed less in matters of both beauty and brains , yet endowed with so much of feelings often converted into hot headedness and yet they seem quite valid.

I hate it when people think wanting equal rights is feminism. By all means, please remove the Reserved for Ladies seat and replace it with Reserved for the elderely/pregnant.disabled seats.

I hate knowing the fact that even though I have been there for most of my friends they wont be there for me.

I hate it that people nowadays think that prompt reply is not the in thing to do

And I hate advises 'coz I have heard all of them a hundred times before and implemented too.

I feel much relieved now after vomiting all the bile.
But someday , I will like to throttle the one who tricked me.